Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife: The Stone Fish

Welcome to Costa Rica, land of sun, fun, and almost untouched nature! A nation of beautiful people, lawless countryside, strong liquor, and 15 cent pineapples (no lie...u mad?). If you've come here for a two week vacation, you need to try one of the many white sand beaches that line the crystal blue waters of the South Pacific coast here. You can literally see through it like glass, with every detail of coral and fish as clear as a nice clean window. So wade! Yes, wade like the mighty wind! Nothing can ruin a day like this!

You thank Elvis you had enough discipline to save for those plane tickets and wade amongst the coral with the Enya on your iPod and get some of that good Mother Nature vibe going. Maybe you'll find Nemo, maybe an octopus who knows? Just step lightly amongst the coral because you don't want to disturb this perfectly balanced habitat. Just step on things that are clearly and obviously rocks and....

A white hot light.

You don't really hear yourself shriek in agony because all of those nerves normally reserved for hearing are now joining the nerves of the rest of your body in a hateful black mass with your spinal cord as it's satanic ring leader. You just stepped on Old Man Synanceia verrucosa, the Stone Fish. And while he swims away laughing at you, you are frantically looking around for a sharp enough object to saw your own foot off as a way to relieve the pain. This is actually a true and common reaction by people who have stepped on one of these assholes.

And I know I throw around expletives in this feature alot when it comes to the critters I expose. But you have to sit and ask yourself this: how the holy fuck does a creature like this evolve? It's a predatory fish, so it doesn't even really need to be on the bottom to feed. It has no natural enemies that would simply lay on top of the thing, so what gives with the knitting needle sized spines that ooze with one of the most potent neurotoxins known to man? He's a dick. He evolved this way purposefully when his puffer fish fore-bearers first saw humans wading in the ocean with spears. That simple. In other words, this prick went out of his way to manipulate Darwin's laws specifically to fuck with us. Think about it. The spines are arranged in an too eerily a human footprint looking manner for it to be coincidence.

Though the Central and South American version of this guy is far less deadly deadly than the Australian version (which kills people), you will not notice that difference after being stabbed by one of these things. For a good look at this ugly fuckturd, check out this video from Australia (where they kill people)...

Next is an accurate description of the Stone Fish from revered Scottish intellectual, Billy Connolly....

 So that's this week's Bastard Wildlife, and when in the water, wear steel toed boots!