5 Common Expat Headaches

 So, you finally took that leap and moved your life from one side of the world to the other. Maybe it was the ancient and mysterious sands of the Middle East, the majestic fjords of Scandinavia, or the mellow tropics that called to you with a loud enough voice to get you away from the TV and into the world. But however you got there, congratulations, you took a brave step forward in making your life a more intriguing story. But now that you are here, it's time to take a realistic look at your new life situation and realize that as with everything in life, there is good and there is bad. And how we deal with the bad is determined by how much we love the good.

Costa Rica: Better Than Iran

In my five years here in Costa Rica, I can say that the good has outweighed the bed by a factor of about 10. But that's not to say it's all been effortless and without stress that usually comes out of left field. If you're following my back story, I have not yet even come to the part where real white knuckle stress became an actual and huge factor in my life. But today's post will give you a preview of some of the things I had to deal with, and I've narrowed down all of the possible headaches to five big ones that tend to give people the most hardship. Oh sure, there are a lot more than five. For example, I'm sure being an ex-pat American in Iran carries different issues than hanging out in a Costa Rican rainforest like me. I can say the president here has a mother who's a hamster and a father who smells of elderberries and not be legitimately worried about being shot. That said, here are the five most common headaches I found to be the most pervasive amongst the ex-pat community down here.

1.) Not Knowing the Language

  Okay, now this one is pretty much your own fault and the one of the five that you have the most control over. I came down here with somewhat of a working knowledge of Spanish, but as I quickly found out, it wasn't near enough to be useful in an emergency situation. I worked on it immediately though, and in about six months I got to the point where I was fluent enough that my brain wasn't translating everything into English anymore, it was like carrying on a conversation in my own language. Immersion training at its best. However, I do know either ex-pats down here who after 10 or more years still have not picked up any Spanish. This is as ridiculous as it is disrespectful to the people of your host country. In the case of Americans, doubly so because of all the flak we tend to give Latin American immigrants in our country who refuse to learn a working knowledge of English. This was painfully illustrated to me one time as I took a complaint call in the Geek Squad from a woman who claimed that her husband had fought in Vietnam and shouldn't have had to hear someone say "para espanol,. marque numero dos" when he called our support line. Yes, this actually happened, but don't analyze it too much as it will eventually hurt the back of your head.

2.) Unreliable Infrastructure

This is one that I am dealing with a lot lately, and it can be absolutely infuriating. I work online, I am not a farmer or shoemaker. My livelihood, reputation, and professional effectiveness are all dependent on my Internet connection. Here in Costa Rica, the Internet is provided to the entire country via one small undersea cable that stretches from Panama City to San Jose. If a pod of particularly flatulent dolphins were to swim by at just a certain angle, the entire country could potentially lose Internet for weeks. But as it is, it cuts out randomly and for hours on end throughout the course of the day. In a 24-hour day, I am out for at least an average of one of them. Some days it's more, some days it's less. And now that the rainy season is here, the electricity now enjoys the same amount of reliability.

My Saturday Night

In the United States, if there is a blackout, there had better be a natural disaster involved, or people are gonna start shooting at the power company. Down here, the power goes out completely at random for hours on end and no one is in the slightest way angry. Except for me. Last night, while feeding one of my daughters the power went out for two hours, and I had no way to reheat her bottles. As the average MTV raised American, my usual reaction is to throw my head back and let out a mighty "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU....." while everyone else around me just kind of chuckles and shrugs. But I had a one-month-old gorilla bugg in my arms and couldn't. So I sat there in the dark, with her bottles under each armpit, feeling so happy that I decided to live in a place where nobody gives a damn if they have a stable power grid or not.

 3.) Prejudice

 This is going to happen no matter what you try to do to stop it. And let's not confuse prejudice with bigotry, which is one of the most loathsome of human traits that many have not yet been able to grow out of. Prejudice is judging a person or a situation before one completely knows anything about them. If you have moved to a country that can be classified as Third World, then it will be presumed by most of your neighbors, acquaintances, and business contacts that you are somewhat well-off. Many people in these countries grew up hearing stories of how rich Americans and Europeans are, and how they throw their shoes away when they get holes in them instead of taking them to be repaired.

Again this is not bigotry on their part as they do not believe themselves to be superior to you. But they will see you as a possible source of revenue in some very imaginative ways. No less than four times have I gone househunting down here and had some kind of variation of this conversation....

Me: "Wow this is a really nice house, and I think it's really perfect for the price! Gimmie a lease now you crazy house renting sum'bitch!!"

Slimy Tico Realtor: "Jes, it eez very nice Senior Gipson, how much did the ad say eet whaz per month again?"

Me: "$500 US a month, why?"

Slimy Tico Realtor: "Ah! Jes, that ad was a mistake, eetz actually $2500 a month. We had a new girl that week, eend she was a confuz-ed....and....where joo go-eeng?"

My Tactical Nuke in the War on Tico Price Gouging

No kidding, four times. Four different realtor companies had a new girl in the office that week who typed up the rental prices wrong. This was obviously an institutionalized scam and probably taught at Costa Rican Realty college in the first freshman semester. When the fourth potential realtor started the story, I finished it for him and just walked out. So from now on when I go house hunting, I just have Dr. Girlfriend go in my place and report back. Her looks usually give her a discount anyway... But that is just one example of the prejudice you could run into. You just have to learn to accept it, and work around it by becoming engaged to one of the more attractive natives in your host country.

4.) Status of Residency

 Depending on your host countries relationship with your native one, this could be more or less stressful than it should be, but it always will be. Costa Rica is a neutral country like Sweden and Switzerland, so their immigration laws tend to be a little bit more stringent. And their Parliament recently passed a law that states anyone who overstays their tourist visa can be find up to US$100 per day that they stay over, as well is be deported to either Panama or Nicaragua and not be allowed back in for a minimum of five years. Luckily I was grandfathered out of that due to my relationship and my Costa Rican children. But at the time that that law had passed, I had overstayed my tourist visa by two years...

The point is, don't overstay your tourist visa and don't do anything that would risk you getting any illegal status. In some countries that comes with jail time, unreasonable fines, forcible deportation, or in real paradises like North Korea, shot in the face. You should just figure on taking a miniature vacation every 90 days or however long the visa lasts. There are only a few countries that won't renew a tourist visa, be sure to check with your Embassy before you decide your entire life there and you should be fine. Most of the ex-pat community here in Costa Rica just factor in their three-day trip to Panama City every three months as a part of the schedule of their lives.

If you are seeking permanent residency or citizenship, be sure to jump through every single hoop they put in front of you, when they put it there. It will no doubt be a long, clunky bureaucratic process that will eat a little bit of your sanity along the way as I demonstrated in a post from four years ago. But just think of the pleasure you will know when it's all said and done and you write that letter to your IRS (or equivalent) that simply says "Bite Me" like I did.

5.) Culture Shock and Difficulty Assimilating 

 This is going to be more or less impact if a person depending on their ability to adapt and their mental fortitude. There was something that Bruce Lee once said to his good friend and student Dan Inosanto when Inosanto first came to train with him. Bruce Lee's unique methods of fighting and unarmed tactics that eventually became known as Jeet Kune Do was hard to swallow for Inosanto at first because of the traditional methods he learned from childhood. The quote was "empty your cup so that you may drink my tea". This meant that he had to let go of all the preconceived notions that he built up based on his experiences and traditional methods training. This same thought holds true for anyone who wishes to assimilate into a society that is not their own. A simpler, more familiar quote that applies just as well is, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".

When I first moved here, I would be awoken with furious anger at a noisy parade that would be winding itself through the labyrinth of my neighborhood. Another Saint's birthday. I would throw open my window and shriek curses that would make a Brooklyn Teamster blush at the passersby, and those curses would usually be drowned out by the 30 piece horn ensemble that was walking along with the parade. I eventually learned to just chalk it up to Ticos being Ticos, and then look forward to the raucous house parties that would be all over the barrio when the parade itself finally ended.

I adapted, but many people don't. You hear stories all the time about Americans or Canadians who moved down here and never leave their house. They are imprisoned in Paradise, and the more time they spend indoors, the crazier and more paranoid they get. But I will admit to it being funny sometimes when I turn on the news and see a story of yet another gringo loco on the roof of his house with a shotgun screaming about how his banana trees are trying to rob him. This actually happened.

So in my experience, those are the biggest five headaches I've had to deal with since living down here. No doubt your mileage will vary, in some places will be easier to assimilate to than others. I'm sure Americans who go to live in Canada are at lesser risk of numbers one and five on this list, for example. But wherever you are, you will always have this blog to come to for quick advice, and a chilled rum drink served in a hollowed out coconut tipped in salutation....

Tips on How Not to Offend: Hand Gestures

So you and your friends are enjoying a relaxing evening at a local cafe on the Grecian coast. The food was absolutely magnificent, as was the spirits and good company of the locals. The beautiful Mediterranean evening could not possibly go south from here, everyone was respectful and no one seemed to mind the fact that you and your friends completely butchered the songs everyone was singing throughout the evening. You might just have this world travel thing licked! Not so hard right? You made some memories. You are really proud of yourself as you signal your server that you would like another round of Greek booze, preferably something that would put Zeus on his ass. She asks you if you would like to try some Ouzo, a national staple , and you distractedly give her the "ok" sign in the affirmative.

Her smile melts into a frown and she turns around quickly and stomps off muttering what could only be construed as Greek profanity. She goes up to the owner and begins shouting at him while gesturing at your table. Uh oh. Were you supposed to refuse the national drink of Greece? Was there a customary response that you missed? All you did was give the "ok" sign, and now several descendants of King Leonidas and Hercules are walking up to your table with menace in their eyes. Well unbeknownst to you, the "ok" sign in several Mediterranean cultures is considered to be something quite filthy. Like sodomy level filthy, aimed at your mom. Whoops. Sucks you can't bend time and read this post before you leave home, but feeble attempts at nonlinear narrative aside, you can now!

Although today's video goes into deeper detail, here are some quick reference tips separated by region that can go a long way in avoiding any embarrassing or potentially dangerous confrontations.

Argentina: Slapping the inside of your own thigh is considered a crude "come hither" gesture.

Mexico: Putting your hands on your hips can be seen as a sign of hostility. Yeah. Now think of every Salma Hayek movie you've ever seen. U mad, gringo?

Chile: Palm up with your fingers spread out is the same as calling someone a dumbass.

Japan: Signaling someone with a single finger is considered a harbinger of death.

China: The older generation still picks it's nose and eats it in public. Basically just look away and don't yell "Eww"

Egypt: Tapping your two index fingers together at someone is the same as saying "I wanna hit that.."

Most Arab Countries: The "thumbs up" gesture is the same as the middle finger.

Britain: The peace sign in reverse is the same as the middle finger in the US.

Lebanon: Licking your finger and running it across your eyebrow at someone, is calling them gay.

Spain and Greece: The "ok" sign in US vernacular means something horrifically vulgar (see above).

Australia: Supposedly putting your empty glass upside down on a bar means you think you can take out anybody in the bar in hand to hand combat. I'd love to hear from some of my Aussie readers on this one for confirmation. If true, don't freaking do it...those dudes can fight...

So there is a brief rundown, and as time progresses, we will explore more as well as other tips to keep you from visiting Humiliation Land or even Charon the ferryman of the underworld (pro tip: don't die in Greece). Below is a video taken from a BBC documentary that goes into really good detail about different hand gestures and what they mean to different cultures. Very interesting stuff!

What about YOUR culture? Are there any gestures that you can think of that have dual meanings across cultures? If so, put it down in the comments section and I will repost them next week on the same day! I've decided to dedicate Wednesday's feature to preventing overseas embarrassment from here on out, and with your help, it will probably be pretty damn funny as well! 

International Hygiene Tips: How Four Billion People Poop

Okay, so you've newly arrived in your host country and you're looking forward to all the new experiences and insights that will be a part of that. But as is usually the case, one of the first orders of business is to find a way to truly leave the last vestiges of your big modern country behind.Yeah you gotta go to the bathroom. Airline food isn't really known for its staying power, and that cold French onion soup and hot pocket are no exception. So don't really give it too much thought, and head straight for your gender's bathroom in the airport. Well unbeknownst to you you're about to step into your first episode of true culture shock when you walk through the bathroom door and THIS is what welcomes you...

Oh no...

If you are from the United States, Canada, Western Europe, Australia, or Latin America you have probably not seen a toilet like this. This is called a squat toilet in their very common in Asian, Middle Eastern, in some Eastern European countries. Do not try to sit on this as your day will go from confusing to disgusted in just a few seconds. A squat toilet works exactly the same way its name implies, you place your feet on the nonskid sides (some may need more traction than others... eat your fiber kids), squat down and do your business the same way everybody else did until some European got the idea of putting a hole in a chair. There might be paper and there might not be, most places in the world usually keep a bucket of water close by for cleaning and flushing purposes. If there is paper, it most likely goes in the wastebasket and not the toilet itself as clogging one of these things could potentially be the most horrifying experience of your life.

Every doctor will tell you that this is the best way to do your business as it is more natural and allows for a more complete job. Will I be replacing my toilet with one of these? Not bloody likely. But at the same time, if you are gonna take it upon yourself to become a citizen of the world, it's best to know how things work. It's good to know that this blog is providing some good for some folks. But don't worry, you'll get the hang of it if little kids can learn how to use one of these things, then so can an intrepid world traveler. 

Being the author of this particular niche of blog isn't always glamorous, but this is information you will need one day. I just saved you the odious embarrassment of having to ask approximately 2/3 of the world's population how they welcome their morning... 

You are welcome

Culture Shock 101: The Problem

Well after a month of existence, it's time for this blog to get to the meat and potatoes of it's mission. Sure we've had some n'yuks at my expense so far, but I'm a pretty easy target for that considering my ridiculous lack of common sense. Just as you learned from Wile E. Coyote that strapping rocket skates to your feet is a dumb idea in an area known for cliffs, you've hopefully seen where I should have done some things differently.

Culture Shock is a very real psychological phenomenon that effects everyone. For those of you with a metaphysical take on things, it may be explained this way. Every country and area in the world has it's own unique "psychic field" for lack of a better term. This field is basically the sum total of all the culturally unique thoughts, outlooks, and ideas of the population. And stepping out of that comfort zone and into one you are not used to literally shocks the psyche and can cause all kinds of weird things to happen to your state of mind.

For example: Those of you raised in the US as a child probably remember the old schoolyard taunt "nya, nya, nya, boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!" Where did you learn that? Who taught it to you? The bigger kids right? Well, where did THEY learn it? I don't remember any taunting seminar when I went in to Kindergarten. It's the same anywhere you go in the world. People just do certain things because they are inclined to by merit of being born in that particular culture.

Dr. Carmen Guanipa of the San Diego State University College of Education wrote an excellent piece on this phenomenon that you can read in it's entirety here. And I'd like to quote some of her work for the purposes of this post and others where I address this psychological annoyance and how to deal with it.

Culture Shock
The term, culture shock, was introduced for the first time in 1958 to describe the anxiety produced when a person moves to a completely new environment. This term expresses the lack of direction, the feeling of not knowing what to do or how to do things in a new environment, and not knowing what is appropriate or inappropriate. The feeling of culture shock generally sets in after the first few weeks of coming to a new place.

We can describe culture shock as the physical and emotional discomfort one suffers when coming to live in another country or a place different from the place of origin. Often, the way that we lived before is not accepted as or considered as normal in the new place. Everything is different, for example, not speaking the language, not knowing how to use banking machines, not knowing how to use the telephone and so forth.

The symptoms of cultural shock can appear at different times. Although, one can experience real pain from culture shock; it is also an opportunity for redefining one's life objectives. It is a great opportunity for leaning and acquiring new perspectives. Culture shock can make one develop a better understanding of oneself and stimulate personal creativity.

Well if my new agey description of it confused you, I'm sure Dr. Guanipa's was alot more clear. The next post on this subject will cover the symptoms and their effects on an expat, exchange student, or habitual tourist abroad. Until then, safe journeys and DON'T PANIC!!

Voices from Home

As the going purpose of this blog is to give folks some relief from the shock of living in another country, I'm going to keep chucking sign posts through the digital ether for your consideration.

When an American leaves their country for the first time, it can be quite unsettling. People driving on the "wrong" side of the road, playing "guess that critter" when buying meat at the store, and finding out that not all houses in the world are climate controlled are things you will have to put up with. At the end of a long day I sometimes felt like Sir Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, just sitting on my bed staring at the wall, just waiting to be confused again.


But the feelings of isolation you are experiencing can be soothed just as easily as they strike if'n you know where to look.

The internet has brought the entire world together in a very profound way. Chances are that your hometown radio station does a live internet broadcast. Even if you swear by your CD or MP3 collection and haven't listened to it in years, bring it up and let it stream. You see it's not the music that has the healing quality my wayward friend, believe it or not....it's the commercials.

No that wasn't a typo, the commercials that once were the bane of listening to the radio are now welcome voices in your new home. I myself like to listen to the old Art Bell show (now A.M. Coast to Coast) at night. It's a show about UFOs and Bigfeet mostly, and it helps me feel at home late at night when it's just me with my thoughts. If there's a particular show that YOU are a fan of you can find it easily right here. You can use this site to track down just about any radio broadcast in the US. And like everything else I recommend to my readers, it's completely free and spamless!

In the quiet of night, even ten thousand miles away, voices from home can keep you company!

Survival Fact #1: Bush is Not Your Fault!!

If you are an American abroad, you will find yourself in the position of explaining alot things going on in the States that alot of people don't agree with. Now this will happen to you at some point when you start making friends in your host country. I will leave the chimp bashing on my other blog as I realize politics swing both ways for my readers. But that doesn't take away the fact that this WILL happen.

For example, I was enjoying my first night out with some employees of mine at a discotheque in downtown San Jose. We had all become friends at work and I was curious to experience the nightlife after being cooped up in my apartment for two weeks. After "sampling" a couple of Imperials, the national beer, one of my friends decided to make the observation that my beer of choice fit nicely with the fact that I was an American.

At first I didn't get it, thanks to that delicious ambrosia of a cervesa. I mean this beer is good, like every other thing under the country's strict food laws, this was REALLY 100% natural beer. There are only four freaking ingredients on the bottle!

But then it dawned on me, partly due to the bit of an embarrassing pause after he said it. "Imperial", I read off the bottle. "Huh? What are you trying to say Manuel?" I asked rather buzzedly.

"Your president thinks he can take over the whole world and be cheered at. How did you people elect him TWICE?"

I explained to him that I was in fact lying in bed for two days after he was re-elected. Didn't eat anything. Didn't say anything. Just lied there in a surreal combination of denial, ennui, and paranoid bewilderment. My girlfriend at the time was seriously considering calling someone to fetch me for a white padded holiday.

So after a while, I was able to get the scene laughing again. I explained that alot of my reasons for leaving the US were the strange changes and my president. But here is where my experience can help YOU. Alot of American world travelers have resorted to stitching Canadian flags to their backpacks as to avoid any prejudice.

Don't do that.

We had a founding father named Benjamin Franklin who was the very first face our country put forward diplomatically. He lived in France during his time in office as our envoy, and he lived there for close to ten years. He used that time to communicate exactly what was the American character and our ideals. He would often show up at functions wearing raccoon skins like Davy Crockett or in just casual clothes which were the equivalent of jeans and a t-shirt for the time. And all the while, he would talk about the inherent Right of man to be a free thinking and self determined individual. Rumor has it the ladies were quite fond of this pudgy, bespectacled, long haired, but razor sharp ruffian too. As a result, the image of America was forged as such and stayed with us right up until just recently.

It's your job to take that image back. Over the years, our philosophies and ideals combined with our incredible diversity has given us "super power" status (I still can't fly). But we are still at heart the fun loving free spirited pranksters who would rather throw the tea in the harbor than pay taxes on it. As soon as our culture gets back to those roots, we will be just fine. And being outside the country, you have the opportunity to "walk the walk" as it where and show everyone that we are a country of different voices and the loudest ones right now aren't exactly speaking for all of us.

I hope this helps!

Survival Tips Chapter 1: Poop Hitting the Fan

Beneath the same sky we share a view of the stars, and there is so much going on up there now I don't know if you've had a view of this comet since it's arrival, but it has lit up the sky down here to where there is a very real science fictiony look to the place. Hopefully you aren't in a place where the locals consider this an omen of some kind and demand sacrifice. If that's the case, I offer you this and this as possible resources to be utilized.

As this blog is first and foremost a survival guide, I feel it necessary to include some real advice on what to do if poop goes horribly, horrifically, catastrophically, or delightfully wrong while on your journeys. Even if you are in Japan.

Look for these and other useful tips as time goes on!

Critical Linguistics for the Habitually Misplaced

After living here for a year, my Spanish is finally to the point where I can call myself at least semi-fluent. Dr. Girlfriend still laughs whenever I say certain words, but I no longer just assume the fetal position and weep anymore when trying to order Chinese delivery. What did it for me quite honestly was a Star Wars Marathon on Cinecanal (the local 'HBO')entirely in Spanish with subtitles in English. 8 hours of Force luvin' goodness later and I had cracked the language like a code. Alot of times, just unraveling one or two sentences and analyzing the grammar can illuminate a good part of a language.

I offer this to you as a gift. I found this online a few months back, and it can help you do just that with the language of your host country.

How to say
"Oh my god! There's an axe in my head" in various languages

English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina
haubida
Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga
arimasu.
Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet!
Spanish: Dios mio! Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!
Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!
Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!
Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!
Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!

See? Even if you find yourself on Kronos, homeworld of the once mighty Klingon Empire (where you may actually need this phrase), I got your back!

Alas Poor Fido, We Ate Him Well Horatio!!!

Do you remember the first time you went to the grocery store / market of your host country? I remember thinking, "dang, so this is what starvation is going to be like", and resigning myself night after night to pizza deliveries and the ubiquitous Mickey D's. There was a bag of meat in the frozen section of the Perimercados that looked like stew meat of some kind. Upon closer inspection I saw that there was a picture of a golden retriever on the bag. Different other bags had different breeds of dogs like German shepherds and cocker spaniels.

No way....really....I mean...REALLY? Costa Rica does have a large Chinese immigrant population, and dog is enjoyed in several parts of southern China like beef. There was already so much in the store I couldn't read or understand yet that I just chalked it up to diversity and went on my merry way and prayed to God I'd find me some Chef Boyardee.

Twenty minutes and six cans of ravioli and Dino O's later, I was in the checkout lane. In front of me was a European woman who had a much better grasp of the Spanish language than I did, and she was also haggling the price of an enormous frozen bag emblazoned with an elegant picture of some kind of hunting dog in mid-run.

At this point I was struggling to keep all six cans of preservative my laden ambrosia with from falling onto my feet. My mind had completely lost the ability to rationalize using a shopping cart when I first entered the building partly because of my lifestyle and partly because I had assumed they just didn't have the technology. Mostly the first reason. But this lady just wouldn't shut up about her bag of dog, and the line was building to a small crowd. Screaming kids. Cans about to fall. This lady's STILL trying to get a BARGAIN on DOG MEAT! I couldn't take any more....

"Ma'am, there's a Doberman across the street from my house that I will kill, clean, and filet for you for free if you'll just hurry up and get this over with!" My Canadian neighbor, Morton, (who I didn't see enter the store) ran up to the side of the line. "If you touch Kiethy MacTeethy, I swear to God, I'll tell Arnie it was you! You psychotic American jerk! Where do you people get off threatening everything that inconveniences you?"

"My momma didn't name me 'You People', Mort, and I was just trying to offer this lady some livestock AS A JOKE!"

The joke was on me because that wasn't a bag of dog meat. It was a bag of dog food. And it was intended for one Mr. Kiethy MacTeethy as a treat. His owners were a Swedish couple who I can still say that I am friends with now.

Moral: Either don't lose your cool in line, or pick a stray dog the next time you offer to "rustle" one. You pick...

Another Costa Rican Morning....

I absolutely love my host country. The monsoon season has subsided and the air has a cleanness to it that you have to experience to understand. Costa Rica has one of the largest and still undeveloped tracts of rain forest in the world. And my God, those trees can scrub air like you wouldn't believe. I have lived in pollution free air for a year now, and there's no way I could ever go back.



I used to live in Tampa, Florida which is arguably one of the most disgusting smelling cities in the US. Mostly because of all the cheap-o cigar companies churning out smokable poodle turds for those people "too cool" to just smoke cigarettes. You know those cigars that cost like 80 cents for a pack of like 10? All of them are made in that odiously stinky city.

Where are you right now this morning? Are you enjoying your morning in Europe, Asia, or any other continent?

You are not alone!!

Nope, not in the least bit! Even though part of you really just wants to go home, you will adapt to this new place you've found yourself, I promise. No one is out to get you (unless you really DID do something), and no one begrudges you for being homesick. You will find that this experience will happen in stages until you finally arrive at a place of mind that few Americans ever know, cultural tolerance and adaptability.

Yes this will turn out to be one of the most memorable adventures of your life if culture shock doesn't chase you back home. You will learn more about the world and yourself than you ever thought possible. You will also learn what it is that makes us "American" and how that's perceived by the rest of the world.

Feel free to drop your comments and questions as everyone benefits from advice in this area. And the very nature of the way we live now leads to some pretty funny stories. I'll be sharing mine as I go along, but I'd love to hear from others as well! In the meantime, I'd like to leave you with a little motivational image to meditate on. I know it's helped me quite often!!