Survival Tips Chapter 2: Torches and Pitchforks (An LTN Christmas Special)

As Americans, very little of our culture is taught to us in the traditional sense. What we tend to learn about our own society is what gets filtered to us through the lenses of cameras for either TV or movies. There really are no rights of passage for our culture other than general teenage mischief, usually fueled by lust and alcohol. This can work against you when you are a guest in another country, especially this time of year.

For example, if you are living in Saudi Arabia, and are not Muslim, for Godsakes DON'T go caroling! Just trust me on that one... And the old mistletoe scam to get the hot chick in the office to kiss you, could potentially lead to a public execution in that same area of the world. Here's a field guide of what to do and not do if you live in the Arab world.

If you live in Hong Kong, the big party isn't until the 27th when the Taoists celebrate with a festival called Ta Chiu. This is a pretty mellow ceremony where every person's name who lives in the area is read off of a list by the Taoist priests, and then that list is glued to a paper horse that is then set on fire. As interesting and exotic as it may sound, remember that this is Hong Kong, so that list of names is going to take a while; make sure you take a Snickers. And to avoid the torches and pitchforks, do NOT try and cook meat over the flaming horse as this is the mechanism in which the names are received by heaven. It would suck if someone ended up having a cruddy year because their name floated into your KC Masterpiece instead of the cosmos.

Predominately Buddhist Thailand celebrates Christmas as a way to close out the year with a nice festival. They use the same imagery and decorations, and the kids all have that same anticipation of Santa's visit. You expats in Thailand are pretty safe to let loose here as the only offense you could really give is when you get that white and red striped peppermint injected dead scorpion and scream instead of eating it like candy.

Expats in Norway who are invited to Christmas dinner by locals will be treated to the traditional dish called lutefisk. This is fish that has been treated with lye until it has become a jelly like caustic fish substance. Smile, choke it down, don't cry, and make no reference to the fact that this was probably the food that made the vikings so mean.

So there is a small sample of various Christmas traditions and how not to upset the locals in your host countries when celebrating. I hope this helps!!

Voices from Home

As the going purpose of this blog is to give folks some relief from the shock of living in another country, I'm going to keep chucking sign posts through the digital ether for your consideration.

When an American leaves their country for the first time, it can be quite unsettling. People driving on the "wrong" side of the road, playing "guess that critter" when buying meat at the store, and finding out that not all houses in the world are climate controlled are things you will have to put up with. At the end of a long day I sometimes felt like Sir Bill Murray in Lost in Translation, just sitting on my bed staring at the wall, just waiting to be confused again.


But the feelings of isolation you are experiencing can be soothed just as easily as they strike if'n you know where to look.

The internet has brought the entire world together in a very profound way. Chances are that your hometown radio station does a live internet broadcast. Even if you swear by your CD or MP3 collection and haven't listened to it in years, bring it up and let it stream. You see it's not the music that has the healing quality my wayward friend, believe it or not....it's the commercials.

No that wasn't a typo, the commercials that once were the bane of listening to the radio are now welcome voices in your new home. I myself like to listen to the old Art Bell show (now A.M. Coast to Coast) at night. It's a show about UFOs and Bigfeet mostly, and it helps me feel at home late at night when it's just me with my thoughts. If there's a particular show that YOU are a fan of you can find it easily right here. You can use this site to track down just about any radio broadcast in the US. And like everything else I recommend to my readers, it's completely free and spamless!

In the quiet of night, even ten thousand miles away, voices from home can keep you company!

Survival Tips Chapter 1: Poop Hitting the Fan

Beneath the same sky we share a view of the stars, and there is so much going on up there now I don't know if you've had a view of this comet since it's arrival, but it has lit up the sky down here to where there is a very real science fictiony look to the place. Hopefully you aren't in a place where the locals consider this an omen of some kind and demand sacrifice. If that's the case, I offer you this and this as possible resources to be utilized.

As this blog is first and foremost a survival guide, I feel it necessary to include some real advice on what to do if poop goes horribly, horrifically, catastrophically, or delightfully wrong while on your journeys. Even if you are in Japan.

Look for these and other useful tips as time goes on!

Critical Linguistics for the Habitually Misplaced

After living here for a year, my Spanish is finally to the point where I can call myself at least semi-fluent. Dr. Girlfriend still laughs whenever I say certain words, but I no longer just assume the fetal position and weep anymore when trying to order Chinese delivery. What did it for me quite honestly was a Star Wars Marathon on Cinecanal (the local 'HBO')entirely in Spanish with subtitles in English. 8 hours of Force luvin' goodness later and I had cracked the language like a code. Alot of times, just unraveling one or two sentences and analyzing the grammar can illuminate a good part of a language.

I offer this to you as a gift. I found this online a few months back, and it can help you do just that with the language of your host country.

How to say
"Oh my god! There's an axe in my head" in various languages

English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina
haubida
Swedish: Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Japanese: ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga
arimasu.
Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet!
Spanish: Dios mio! Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!
Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Greek: hristo mou! eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Danish: Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Italian: Dio mio! C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!
Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!
Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!
Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
Latvian: Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!

See? Even if you find yourself on Kronos, homeworld of the once mighty Klingon Empire (where you may actually need this phrase), I got your back!

Alas Poor Fido, We Ate Him Well Horatio!!!

Do you remember the first time you went to the grocery store / market of your host country? I remember thinking, "dang, so this is what starvation is going to be like", and resigning myself night after night to pizza deliveries and the ubiquitous Mickey D's. There was a bag of meat in the frozen section of the Perimercados that looked like stew meat of some kind. Upon closer inspection I saw that there was a picture of a golden retriever on the bag. Different other bags had different breeds of dogs like German shepherds and cocker spaniels.

No way....really....I mean...REALLY? Costa Rica does have a large Chinese immigrant population, and dog is enjoyed in several parts of southern China like beef. There was already so much in the store I couldn't read or understand yet that I just chalked it up to diversity and went on my merry way and prayed to God I'd find me some Chef Boyardee.

Twenty minutes and six cans of ravioli and Dino O's later, I was in the checkout lane. In front of me was a European woman who had a much better grasp of the Spanish language than I did, and she was also haggling the price of an enormous frozen bag emblazoned with an elegant picture of some kind of hunting dog in mid-run.

At this point I was struggling to keep all six cans of preservative my laden ambrosia with from falling onto my feet. My mind had completely lost the ability to rationalize using a shopping cart when I first entered the building partly because of my lifestyle and partly because I had assumed they just didn't have the technology. Mostly the first reason. But this lady just wouldn't shut up about her bag of dog, and the line was building to a small crowd. Screaming kids. Cans about to fall. This lady's STILL trying to get a BARGAIN on DOG MEAT! I couldn't take any more....

"Ma'am, there's a Doberman across the street from my house that I will kill, clean, and filet for you for free if you'll just hurry up and get this over with!" My Canadian neighbor, Morton, (who I didn't see enter the store) ran up to the side of the line. "If you touch Kiethy MacTeethy, I swear to God, I'll tell Arnie it was you! You psychotic American jerk! Where do you people get off threatening everything that inconveniences you?"

"My momma didn't name me 'You People', Mort, and I was just trying to offer this lady some livestock AS A JOKE!"

The joke was on me because that wasn't a bag of dog meat. It was a bag of dog food. And it was intended for one Mr. Kiethy MacTeethy as a treat. His owners were a Swedish couple who I can still say that I am friends with now.

Moral: Either don't lose your cool in line, or pick a stray dog the next time you offer to "rustle" one. You pick...

Another Costa Rican Morning....

I absolutely love my host country. The monsoon season has subsided and the air has a cleanness to it that you have to experience to understand. Costa Rica has one of the largest and still undeveloped tracts of rain forest in the world. And my God, those trees can scrub air like you wouldn't believe. I have lived in pollution free air for a year now, and there's no way I could ever go back.



I used to live in Tampa, Florida which is arguably one of the most disgusting smelling cities in the US. Mostly because of all the cheap-o cigar companies churning out smokable poodle turds for those people "too cool" to just smoke cigarettes. You know those cigars that cost like 80 cents for a pack of like 10? All of them are made in that odiously stinky city.

Where are you right now this morning? Are you enjoying your morning in Europe, Asia, or any other continent?

You are not alone!!

Nope, not in the least bit! Even though part of you really just wants to go home, you will adapt to this new place you've found yourself, I promise. No one is out to get you (unless you really DID do something), and no one begrudges you for being homesick. You will find that this experience will happen in stages until you finally arrive at a place of mind that few Americans ever know, cultural tolerance and adaptability.

Yes this will turn out to be one of the most memorable adventures of your life if culture shock doesn't chase you back home. You will learn more about the world and yourself than you ever thought possible. You will also learn what it is that makes us "American" and how that's perceived by the rest of the world.

Feel free to drop your comments and questions as everyone benefits from advice in this area. And the very nature of the way we live now leads to some pretty funny stories. I'll be sharing mine as I go along, but I'd love to hear from others as well! In the meantime, I'd like to leave you with a little motivational image to meditate on. I know it's helped me quite often!!