Thursday, April 7, 2011

Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife: The Stone Fish

Welcome to Costa Rica, land of sun, fun, and almost untouched nature! A nation of beautiful people, lawless countryside, strong liquor, and 15 cent pineapples (no lie...u mad?). If you've come here for a two week vacation, you need to try one of the many white sand beaches that line the crystal blue waters of the South Pacific coast here. You can literally see through it like glass, with every detail of coral and fish as clear as a nice clean window. So wade! Yes, wade like the mighty wind! Nothing can ruin a day like this!

You thank Elvis you had enough discipline to save for those plane tickets and wade amongst the coral with the Enya on your iPod and get some of that good Mother Nature vibe going. Maybe you'll find Nemo, maybe an octopus who knows? Just step lightly amongst the coral because you don't want to disturb this perfectly balanced habitat. Just step on things that are clearly and obviously rocks and....

A white hot light.

You don't really hear yourself shriek in agony because all of those nerves normally reserved for hearing are now joining the nerves of the rest of your body in a hateful black mass with your spinal cord as it's satanic ring leader. You just stepped on Old Man Synanceia verrucosa, the Stone Fish. And while he swims away laughing at you, you are frantically looking around for a sharp enough object to saw your own foot off as a way to relieve the pain. This is actually a true and common reaction by people who have stepped on one of these assholes.

And I know I throw around expletives in this feature alot when it comes to the critters I expose. But you have to sit and ask yourself this: how the holy fuck does a creature like this evolve? It's a predatory fish, so it doesn't even really need to be on the bottom to feed. It has no natural enemies that would simply lay on top of the thing, so what gives with the knitting needle sized spines that ooze with one of the most potent neurotoxins known to man? He's a dick. He evolved this way purposefully when his puffer fish fore-bearers first saw humans wading in the ocean with spears. That simple. In other words, this prick went out of his way to manipulate Darwin's laws specifically to fuck with us. Think about it. The spines are arranged in an too eerily a human footprint looking manner for it to be coincidence.

Though the Central and South American version of this guy is far less deadly deadly than the Australian version (which kills people), you will not notice that difference after being stabbed by one of these things. For a good look at this ugly fuckturd, check out this video from Australia (where they kill people)...


Next is an accurate description of the Stone Fish from revered Scottish intellectual, Billy Connolly....


 So that's this week's Bastard Wildlife, and when in the water, wear steel toed boots!

40 comments:

Body1 said...

Nice blog BRO!!!

fallowing and $upporting

http://darkbogdanel.blogspot.com

Electric Addict said...

oh i so want to go see the crystal clear white beaches :)

The Angry Lurker said...

I remember that Billy Connolly rant, stay out of the water with these bastards.

Jay said...

lol, what a dick. :D

mac-and-me said...

the big question is
is he tasty?

Patti D. said...

Very good explanation regarding the evolution of that fish, he simply evolved that way to be a dick, lol

mac-and-me said...

the big question is
is he tasty?

Something Concupiscible said...

It's too ugly to eat.

Melanie said...

Holy shit! You make the most compelling argument for a Costa Rican vacation!! =)

The_illustrative_Mind said...

man, those things are ugly

Shawn said...

Nice tie in with Billy, I recommend reading his book ( I read it last summer & enjoyed it).
Shawn

Kaneda said...

wow, I need to go there myself someday.

Erika said...

That looks beautiful =o

But I must say.... that is one weird lookin' fish.

Megan said...

stone fish scares me...but ill make amends with him for some 15cent pineapple!

Banacek said...

That stonefish doesn't look like he does much laughing. Maybe he needs a vacation.

Autumnforest said...

You know, dear, that we are not being sold on Costa Rica between the flies that can implant little parasites inside you to the stone fish. It's a beautiful but deadly place. Yikes!

duffboi said...

I'm almost tempted to experience the worst pain known to man... almost.. hehe

Malkavian said...

The words of Arnold in Predator comes to mind. Your one UGLY mother fucker

SOMS said...

waaa ugly fish

Meghan Moran said...

I understand why they'd develop a defense system, but did it have to inflict the worst pain known to man? seems like overkill you bastard of a fish.

Justin said...

You're making me think a lot less of the beauty and tranquility of Costa Rica and a lot more on the bastard Costa Rican wildlife every time you post one of these. I guess that explains the title.
By the way, I really like the way you write. It's very descriptive.

ed said...

mad @ 15cent pineapples and all that sun

bill said...

ugh nasty looking fis.. nice blog though im following

Lemmiwinks said...

ugly fish is ugly

Marlene said...

Yup - I've read up about this fish...didn't know it could be found in Costa Rica, though! Might have to strike that vacation spot off my list...heehee.

Questions said...

Wow. Nasty sucker. Don't really want that thing anywhere near me.

Kicking Rocks said...

lol yeh hthose stone fishies are bastards!

Agustin Creevy said...

hey man! what does being "such a stranger" means? im just confudsed by the term hahah, i hope you're ok, i will read the post in a few hours in bed i just want to say hi!

Shutterbug said...

That stone fish sure is ugly. :P

The Old Master said...

Haha the beaches over here suck :(*

CandleintheDark said...

This is awesome

Grafted said...

That is one wicked fish. Following

Moob said...

those little guys are pretty col

baxxman said...

Crazy. There is so much I dont even know about...

Sam said...

Ahh crazy animals!

Leila said...

funny you mention evolution here because... well... evolution has been disproved (or at least 75% of it is, the other 25%, which is natural selection, still holds true).

I first heard about stone fish in the movie Blue Lagoon (oh poor Brooke Shields, the poor acting totally understated the potency of their venom). And I think some Japanese chefs make a deadly living trying to cook these? Or is that something else?

Tasos said...

mate...that's one of the most unfair fish out there. not only it looks like a rock, but it's claws are leathal! seriously thanks for sharing. we need to have these in mind

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Love Billy's Tee with the tail! Why's he turned fekkin posh all of a sudden.

I'm your 200th Follower. Fancy that!

HaigoR said...

he wouldn't be that bad if he was called the Stoned Fish. I think he'd be friendly and peaceful.

Adie Andrews said...

Actually those ugly fishes could be met in other parts of the world too but not everywhere they are called stone fish. I also met the name dragon fish so the same creature. Being on such a place with so crystal water could not be ruin just from one fish

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