Thursday, July 28, 2011

Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife: All These Damn Ants!!

Living in the tropics has its ups and downs. Sure you get nice weather year-round, gorgeous scenery, beautifully exotic locals, and cheap produce. But the downfalls can be many as well and they can range from moderately annoying to out right infuriating. Mother nature hasn't really been subjugated in these parts of the world, nor is she likely to be any time soon. So we denizens of the tropics have to put up with things like freakishly powerful hurricanes, volcanoes, predatory animals that take cues from stories like Jaws and Jurassic Park, and the bugs... The fucking bugs...

A few weeks ago I wrote about a friend of mine named Geoff who lives somewhere in my work desk. He and I never really hang out that much, but he shows up every once in a while to make sure that the insect population isn't completely overrunning my office. Well I haven't seen Geoff in about two weeks, and I am beginning to fear the worst. And as a result of his unexpected absence, I once again find myself competing for my own food with these dickhead little ants that are damn near close to making me want to blow up my own house.

Here's a typical lunch scene from the last two weeks: Dr. Girlfriend walks in with a great big beautiful plate of "arroz con bistek" (fried rice with strips of sirloin) and all the delicious Latin trimmings like fried plantain and yucca. Basically rib sticking deliciousness. I thank her profusely for her kindness while I fire up a freshly downloaded TV show or movie. She sets the plate on the table behind me and I take a moment to visually savor every single step she takes back into the house (my office is outside). In the short time that elapsed between her beginning the walk, and the abrupt cutoff of the angel chorus and white beam of light from the sky that was shining on her rear end when she closed the door, my plate of food is crawling with these teeny tiny little black fuckfaced ants.

there are so many of them that you would think that she had set the plate down in the middle of the freaking nest of them, but she didn't. There wasn't a single ant on that table 2 min. prior. It took only 2 min. for my food, utensils, and glass of fruit juice to be completely covered by these teeny tiny little ants. I don't know what kind they are, but they are about the size of a grain of beach sand and apparently 1 billion of them live in my house and office. And yet, as many as they are, you never see them anywhere until you place some kind of food on a surface that they can get to. And it doesn't matter what it is, the little fuckers will literally eat anything.

I have small children in my house, so I'm reluctant to go on a good old American style killing spree with a can of bug spray. In the environmental laws down here are such that what passes for exterminators are little more than herbal advisors. Very few insecticide chemicals are available without a hugely expensive permit, if even available at all. Being the tree hugger at heart that I am, I guess part of me sees the value in this. Except of course during breakfast, lunch, dinner, and late-night munchy time. I literally have to hold whatever plate I am eating out of in my lap, and keep whatever beverage I'm drinking placed in a random location on my desk every few minutes.

Geoff needs to get his ass back here...

27 comments:

The Angry Lurker said...

....and bring his bloody friends.

Zombie said...

poor missing gecko... :P

Banacek said...

Can you rent an anteater?

Adsila said...

I am suddenly itchy!

Electric Addict said...

you'd think it would be heaven with great weather all year but now i feel glad to live where i live haha

Melanie said...

Poor Geoff...I hope nothing ate him. Perhaps he is gathering some friends.

Shutterbug said...

I would scream like a little girl if I saw a spider! :P

Astronomy Pirate said...

Eat the ants. It's clearly the best solution, and they would be filled with all the nutrition of the meal you would have eaten, but they got to first.

Ray Rousell said...

Hmm???? I don't like the sound of that! How about first of all putting a little bit of food on the floor away from where you want to eat, it may trick the ants and they'll leave you alone(he he) or go eat in your car!!

Marlene said...

Ugh, that sounds nasty! I sure hope you get some lizard friends popping by again soon....sounds like that's the solution!

Max Silver said...

Maybe you shuod get all of your readers to mail you a relative of Geoff's :P

Gryt said...

Poor Geoff, hope you find him or can solve your ant problem.

Tony Storm said...

omg it looks into my soul!

Sub-Radar-Mike said...

I second the anteater idea... best pet ever!

Justin said...

Geoff, por que?!
Maybe he's building an army to war against the ants.

Mike said...

ants are horrible. perhaps dig a moat for your house

cheshire said...

It's a relief to know i'm not the only individual that names the different creatures that inhabit my world (room). Definitely a sad occasion when they 'disappear' - dat short lifespan, man.

Geojour said...

You need to come to an agreement with the insects and arachnids. Explain in a calm manner your needs and ask them to explain theirs.

If they do not respond, destroy them. DESTROY THEM ALL!

movie68 said...

Have the same problem at my house in the summer

ebm93 said...

Sounds like you had a nice time there. Fried plantain and yucca are tasty.

clique said...

Just kill the queen~

Rachel Neilson said...

Oh geoff...haha

tigey said...

Hate those ants ! Especially when they're in big numbers

skinned sheep said...

oh men that totally sucks. i had it like that too at my old apartment. had to flick cockroaches coming from all sides trying to get at my food.

ed said...

ants arent that bad, its the spiders and mosquitoes that are horrible

Leila said...

Is Geoff somehow related to one named Inigo Montoya?

Shevvy said...

But one thing is sertain, antz are very hard workers! I respect antz because of that ! :)