Survival Tip #3: CHECK THE HOSE!!

Today is the first day of the rest of your lives, and for me, it's my first Benedryl shot of the year.

You see, last Friday I didn't get to the bank on time before it closed to get my paycheck cashed. And being that it was on the cusp of the New Year holiday, the banks were closed the entire weekend and up to today. I've literally had about $10.00 to live on for almost the last week. No New Years parties or festivities for Dr. Girlfriend and I. Que triste...

But we took it in stride, and believe me when I say that it turned out to be one of the most life affirming and all around positive New Years I have ever had. One of the things that I learned while living in a "poor" country is that money really and truly isn't everything. Poor village children laugh just as fully and have just as much fun as rich ones. And because their playtime is based more on imagination instead of a steady stream of whatever they ask for, who is to say who is better off?

In Costa Rica, $10.00 will feed you for a week. So we opted for food instead of libations and fiestas. One pain in the butt was the fact that we couldn't get a propane tank for the hot water. I don't know about you, but hot showers are something besides thumbs that separate us from the animal world. And cold showers are....well...they just suck.

But the sun down here is shining and it's about 85 degrees this time of year. And since we were already in an "oh well" kind of mood and determined to have as much fun as we could on the limited resources we had, we came up with a cool idea. Our backyard is enormous and the nearest neighbor is quite a distance away. So we decided to strip down to nothing and bathe ourselves with the hose. It was hot outside, the sky was bright and cloudless. Just sounded like a fun and romantic thing to do on a budget. At least this way, if the water was too cold, we could hang out in the sun for a while.

So giggling like hyenas, we got all the stuff from the house like towels, shampoo etc. and headed out back for our "sun shower". Now one of the most distracting things in this world for a man is a Tica with her clothes off. And Dr. Girlfriend is no ordinary Tica, she was actually one of the runners up for Miss Costa Rica two years ago and only lost because of "her attitude". So needless to say, my mind was on other things, and I didn't follow a golden rule about living in the tropics.

ALWAYS CHECK YOUR HOSE BEFORE TURNING THE SUM'BITCH ON YOURSELF!

Why? Because life down here can find a place to thrive in any area, even the common garden hose. So when I pointed the hose at my rear and told her to turn it on and "lemmie have it", it was entirely my fault that the newly displaced family of scorpions (about eight) decided that they instead were going to "lemmie have it".

Now in my life, there have been many times when my emotional state has gone from arousal to horror in the span of an instant. But this was different, and not induced by alcohol and mischievous friends. Imagine a bee sting with a pain factor multiplied by a factor of about 15 and you get the gist of a scorpion sting. My culo was on fire and swelling to Della Reese proportions. And when Dr. Girlfriend's apparent solution to the problem took the form of her shrieking and running back inside, I knew I was on my own. So I danced and slapped like a vaudeville performer on a cocaine and espresso diet. Eventually I got all the little bastards off of me, but I took about five hits of venom in the process and was already feeling woozy. It was actually shock because the poison on these little guys isn't really that bad, but I didn't know it at the time, so I mentally prepared for the worst.

That's when I turned to see a nekkid Dr. Girlfriend running at me with a broom hefted like William Wallace with a claymore. The distraction hit again as I thought about how the addition of nekkid Ticas would have greatly improved the movie Braveheart, and I think the vocalization of that thought manifested itself literally as "boingy, boingy, boingy". The thought of telling her I was fine and critter free just didn't occur to me. She then connected like a lumberjack thinking a pancake breakfast was hidden in a magic tree stump. I responded in English for her to "cut it out", and since her English is lacking, she translated my words as "hit me harder you're almost to the pancakes".

Luckily for me, she actually is a third year med student and a dang good one to boot. One shot of Benadryl later, I was feeling alot better. Sitting on a pillow as I type this to you, though.

This survival guide is intended to help you along your way to self discovery in new lands far from home. Please learn from my stupidity. Check your hose before you turn it on.