5 Common Expat Headaches

 So, you finally took that leap and moved your life from one side of the world to the other. Maybe it was the ancient and mysterious sands of the Middle East, the majestic fjords of Scandinavia, or the mellow tropics that called to you with a loud enough voice to get you away from the TV and into the world. But however you got there, congratulations, you took a brave step forward in making your life a more intriguing story. But now that you are here, it's time to take a realistic look at your new life situation and realize that as with everything in life, there is good and there is bad. And how we deal with the bad is determined by how much we love the good.

Costa Rica: Better Than Iran

In my five years here in Costa Rica, I can say that the good has outweighed the bed by a factor of about 10. But that's not to say it's all been effortless and without stress that usually comes out of left field. If you're following my back story, I have not yet even come to the part where real white knuckle stress became an actual and huge factor in my life. But today's post will give you a preview of some of the things I had to deal with, and I've narrowed down all of the possible headaches to five big ones that tend to give people the most hardship. Oh sure, there are a lot more than five. For example, I'm sure being an ex-pat American in Iran carries different issues than hanging out in a Costa Rican rainforest like me. I can say the president here has a mother who's a hamster and a father who smells of elderberries and not be legitimately worried about being shot. That said, here are the five most common headaches I found to be the most pervasive amongst the ex-pat community down here.

1.) Not Knowing the Language

  Okay, now this one is pretty much your own fault and the one of the five that you have the most control over. I came down here with somewhat of a working knowledge of Spanish, but as I quickly found out, it wasn't near enough to be useful in an emergency situation. I worked on it immediately though, and in about six months I got to the point where I was fluent enough that my brain wasn't translating everything into English anymore, it was like carrying on a conversation in my own language. Immersion training at its best. However, I do know either ex-pats down here who after 10 or more years still have not picked up any Spanish. This is as ridiculous as it is disrespectful to the people of your host country. In the case of Americans, doubly so because of all the flak we tend to give Latin American immigrants in our country who refuse to learn a working knowledge of English. This was painfully illustrated to me one time as I took a complaint call in the Geek Squad from a woman who claimed that her husband had fought in Vietnam and shouldn't have had to hear someone say "para espanol,. marque numero dos" when he called our support line. Yes, this actually happened, but don't analyze it too much as it will eventually hurt the back of your head.

2.) Unreliable Infrastructure

This is one that I am dealing with a lot lately, and it can be absolutely infuriating. I work online, I am not a farmer or shoemaker. My livelihood, reputation, and professional effectiveness are all dependent on my Internet connection. Here in Costa Rica, the Internet is provided to the entire country via one small undersea cable that stretches from Panama City to San Jose. If a pod of particularly flatulent dolphins were to swim by at just a certain angle, the entire country could potentially lose Internet for weeks. But as it is, it cuts out randomly and for hours on end throughout the course of the day. In a 24-hour day, I am out for at least an average of one of them. Some days it's more, some days it's less. And now that the rainy season is here, the electricity now enjoys the same amount of reliability.

My Saturday Night

In the United States, if there is a blackout, there had better be a natural disaster involved, or people are gonna start shooting at the power company. Down here, the power goes out completely at random for hours on end and no one is in the slightest way angry. Except for me. Last night, while feeding one of my daughters the power went out for two hours, and I had no way to reheat her bottles. As the average MTV raised American, my usual reaction is to throw my head back and let out a mighty "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU....." while everyone else around me just kind of chuckles and shrugs. But I had a one-month-old gorilla bugg in my arms and couldn't. So I sat there in the dark, with her bottles under each armpit, feeling so happy that I decided to live in a place where nobody gives a damn if they have a stable power grid or not.

 3.) Prejudice

 This is going to happen no matter what you try to do to stop it. And let's not confuse prejudice with bigotry, which is one of the most loathsome of human traits that many have not yet been able to grow out of. Prejudice is judging a person or a situation before one completely knows anything about them. If you have moved to a country that can be classified as Third World, then it will be presumed by most of your neighbors, acquaintances, and business contacts that you are somewhat well-off. Many people in these countries grew up hearing stories of how rich Americans and Europeans are, and how they throw their shoes away when they get holes in them instead of taking them to be repaired.

Again this is not bigotry on their part as they do not believe themselves to be superior to you. But they will see you as a possible source of revenue in some very imaginative ways. No less than four times have I gone househunting down here and had some kind of variation of this conversation....

Me: "Wow this is a really nice house, and I think it's really perfect for the price! Gimmie a lease now you crazy house renting sum'bitch!!"

Slimy Tico Realtor: "Jes, it eez very nice Senior Gipson, how much did the ad say eet whaz per month again?"

Me: "$500 US a month, why?"

Slimy Tico Realtor: "Ah! Jes, that ad was a mistake, eetz actually $2500 a month. We had a new girl that week, eend she was a confuz-ed....and....where joo go-eeng?"

My Tactical Nuke in the War on Tico Price Gouging

No kidding, four times. Four different realtor companies had a new girl in the office that week who typed up the rental prices wrong. This was obviously an institutionalized scam and probably taught at Costa Rican Realty college in the first freshman semester. When the fourth potential realtor started the story, I finished it for him and just walked out. So from now on when I go house hunting, I just have Dr. Girlfriend go in my place and report back. Her looks usually give her a discount anyway... But that is just one example of the prejudice you could run into. You just have to learn to accept it, and work around it by becoming engaged to one of the more attractive natives in your host country.

4.) Status of Residency

 Depending on your host countries relationship with your native one, this could be more or less stressful than it should be, but it always will be. Costa Rica is a neutral country like Sweden and Switzerland, so their immigration laws tend to be a little bit more stringent. And their Parliament recently passed a law that states anyone who overstays their tourist visa can be find up to US$100 per day that they stay over, as well is be deported to either Panama or Nicaragua and not be allowed back in for a minimum of five years. Luckily I was grandfathered out of that due to my relationship and my Costa Rican children. But at the time that that law had passed, I had overstayed my tourist visa by two years...

The point is, don't overstay your tourist visa and don't do anything that would risk you getting any illegal status. In some countries that comes with jail time, unreasonable fines, forcible deportation, or in real paradises like North Korea, shot in the face. You should just figure on taking a miniature vacation every 90 days or however long the visa lasts. There are only a few countries that won't renew a tourist visa, be sure to check with your Embassy before you decide your entire life there and you should be fine. Most of the ex-pat community here in Costa Rica just factor in their three-day trip to Panama City every three months as a part of the schedule of their lives.

If you are seeking permanent residency or citizenship, be sure to jump through every single hoop they put in front of you, when they put it there. It will no doubt be a long, clunky bureaucratic process that will eat a little bit of your sanity along the way as I demonstrated in a post from four years ago. But just think of the pleasure you will know when it's all said and done and you write that letter to your IRS (or equivalent) that simply says "Bite Me" like I did.

5.) Culture Shock and Difficulty Assimilating 

 This is going to be more or less impact if a person depending on their ability to adapt and their mental fortitude. There was something that Bruce Lee once said to his good friend and student Dan Inosanto when Inosanto first came to train with him. Bruce Lee's unique methods of fighting and unarmed tactics that eventually became known as Jeet Kune Do was hard to swallow for Inosanto at first because of the traditional methods he learned from childhood. The quote was "empty your cup so that you may drink my tea". This meant that he had to let go of all the preconceived notions that he built up based on his experiences and traditional methods training. This same thought holds true for anyone who wishes to assimilate into a society that is not their own. A simpler, more familiar quote that applies just as well is, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".

When I first moved here, I would be awoken with furious anger at a noisy parade that would be winding itself through the labyrinth of my neighborhood. Another Saint's birthday. I would throw open my window and shriek curses that would make a Brooklyn Teamster blush at the passersby, and those curses would usually be drowned out by the 30 piece horn ensemble that was walking along with the parade. I eventually learned to just chalk it up to Ticos being Ticos, and then look forward to the raucous house parties that would be all over the barrio when the parade itself finally ended.

I adapted, but many people don't. You hear stories all the time about Americans or Canadians who moved down here and never leave their house. They are imprisoned in Paradise, and the more time they spend indoors, the crazier and more paranoid they get. But I will admit to it being funny sometimes when I turn on the news and see a story of yet another gringo loco on the roof of his house with a shotgun screaming about how his banana trees are trying to rob him. This actually happened.

So in my experience, those are the biggest five headaches I've had to deal with since living down here. No doubt your mileage will vary, in some places will be easier to assimilate to than others. I'm sure Americans who go to live in Canada are at lesser risk of numbers one and five on this list, for example. But wherever you are, you will always have this blog to come to for quick advice, and a chilled rum drink served in a hollowed out coconut tipped in salutation....

Tuesday Travel With Vice Magazine: Balls Deep

So since the advent and explosion of right wing talk radio shows, many Americans are convinced that there should be no social safety net for the poor and weaker members of our society. Not all conservatives believe this to the extreme despite what liberal commentators would have you believe. Sure there are some, but most people are pretty moderate when it come to using taxpayer funds to help the needy.

But what if we did all suddenly transform our society into Rush Limbaugh or Michelle Malkin's vision of extreme right-wing utopia? A place where "the market" is the supreme ruler, and almost every facet of the social branch of government is either privatized or done away with altogether. What would that be like to have only the very rich calling ALL the shots? Is there a place on the planet that is like that? Well, actually there is. The country is called Colombia, they are actually pretty close to me. I've had the opportunity to go there on two different occasions, and I got to see this right wing Wonderland at its best in the form of policemen beating down homeless people in the park across from my hotel. There were no ambulances called, only prisoner vans despite obvious serious injury.

In this Tuesday installment from my favorites at VBS.tv, I'd like to share with you a documentary done by a member of the Vice staff who has been given the less than flattering nickname of "Baby Balls". He goes down to Colombia and explores a world that the tourists and rich folk walking in the streets above rarely see or even hear about. There is an entire population of people that live underground in the sewers of Bogotá and other large Colombian cities. They live in constant fear of extermination like vermin at the hands of roving death squads and right-wing paramilitaries who have been given complete license to kill them like animals.

I believe after watching this you will agree that despite political ravings from either side; the US, UK, EU, and Australia don't really have it so bad....

Tuesday Travel With Vice Magazine: Lybian Lockdown

So, my Mom is going to be here this week! I haven't seen anyone in my family in five years, so I am really looking forward to it. Two weeks ago my best friend from college finally made it down here with his wife, so I don't feel as much like I am living on the damn moon anymore. More of you guys need to come down and visit so I can spoil you for a bit by parking your happy asses on a beach hammock with a rum drink served out of a coconut for a while. Everyone needs to experience that at least once...

That said, this week's offering from Vice Magazine and VBS.tv is one that has some bearing on today's events in the Middle East and was filmed just a few months ago. Shane and the Vice crew are invited to a "youth conference" in Libya hosted by Muammar Gaddafi with the intention of selling the world on the idea of a "United States of Africa" with him as it's eternal president. No, he's not crazy at all...

And just like their expose on North Korea, they test the boundaries of what an indy journalist is allowed to do in an oppressive country. But unlike their trip to North Korea, they get into actual serious trouble. I for one hope the Libyan people are able to overthrow this fruit cake because he someone who stopped being a fit leader many decades ago....

I personally wish they could have filmed more while there, but I guess alot of film was confiscated by the authorities. It befuddles me how people can willingly submit themselves for totalitarian rule like this, but recent events tell us that human beings as a whole are getting tired of this sorry nonesense be it from governments or corporations.

And THAT is a good thing... 

Kickass Costa Rican Wildlife: The Squirrel Monkey

As promised, I have decided to give the more asinine of Costa Rican fauna a little rest for a while due to my not wanting to give this amazing little country a bad name. Yes the place inspired Jurassic Park, sure people get literally eaten by things here, and sure maybe some of the snakes should seek some kind of anger management therapy. But let's not let them spoil it for the rest of them. There are just as many, if not more, cute and cuddly denizens of the rainforests and shorelines here.

Case in point, this cute little guy here...

 This is Simia sciureus, or the Squirrel Monkey, and he's pretty common down here. As the name implies, he's pretty small (25 to 35 cm plus a 35 to 42 cm tail), and likes to hop around in fruit trees all day. He doesn't make that much noise, they don't throw poop at you, and they do not have the slightest taste for human flesh.

My first experience with them was in Manuel Antonio National Park where their numbers are still thriving despite the rush of development that is encroaching on their natural habitat. They make a noise that is somewhat like a child's squeak toy or rubber ducky. I absolutely love them. They are very friendly and will oftentimes "join" you for whatever picnic meal you may be eating as I soon discovered. Luckily they are vegetarians, so your burgers and hot dogs are safe. The corn though...yeah that's forfeit. One of the most adorable things I have ever seen in my life is watching one of these little dudes try and eat an ear of corn on the cob that was almost bigger than them....

Much like one of the Costa Rican national heroes, Astronaut Franklin R. Chang-Diaz, the squirrel monkey has extensive experience in outer space. In fact, he could be considered the animal kingdom's answer to John Glenn in that his species has been in space more than any other primate besides us (yes fundies...we are primates...deal). Go ahead and click on the image on the left and you will see this little dude "Baker" giving a proud smile for his accomplishments. Note to PETA members, this rocket is a scale model and not the actual rocket with a monkey duct taped to it like in the Mexican space program.

So let's watch some videos! 

And here is a rare attack by one after someone accidentally kicks it. I'm sure the bottled up rage of being in a diaper contributed to it as well...

So this ends my first installment of  "Kickass Costa Rican Wildlife", how was it? Boring? Let me know if you like this train of features or if the fiercer critters are more interesting!

A Wednesday Wordless Post

 

Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife: Giant Crocodiles

Well, we've come to yet another Thursday and yet another installment of Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife. This will be the last installment of this feature for a bit because I have found that it could adversely effect my chances of anyone else coming down here to visit me. So starting next Thursday, a new feature entitled Kick Ass Costa Rican Wildlife will become the regular Thursday post.

When Michael Crichton penned his techno thriller, "Jurassic Park" he used Costa Rica as a backdrop to the story. The fictional islands of Isla Sorna and Isla Nublar are based on the real islands of Cocos and Tortuga, respectively and alot of the filming was actually done in Tamarindo. The novel opens with some strange animal attacks on the Costa Rican mainland that result in all hell breaking loose. For those of you who are only familiar with the movie, I can't recommend the actual book itself enough.

I am of the opinion that Crichton probably came here on vacation, took one look in any given body of fresh water here and instantly came up with the idea of a story involving dinosaurs running amok in the modern world. Why do I think this? Because down here we have a creature that actually pre-dates the dinosaurs by about 20 million years, ate them when they showed up, and survived whatever killed them. These are the crocodiles, or specific to my location; Crocodylus acutus, The American Crocodile.

My Alma Mater

Growing up in S. Florida I got to know it's smaller, more mellow cousin the American Alligator quite well. My mother would oftentimes have to chase them out of our yard or swimming pool in the mornings with an air horn. Sure, some of them got to be about 12 ft., but they were generally shy and pretty laid back. Attacks were rare, and were more often than not, the fault of the person messing with the damn thing.

This man is over 6 ft. tall...

Not so with this big bastard though... This guy kills people. And at a maximum length of 22ft (confirmed in 2004!) and packing half a damn ton, this is the closest thing we have to an actual predatory dinosaur on the planet. Crocs in Australia and Africa do have a bigger body count than the ones here in Latin America, but that is because they are closer to more populated areas like the Nile river and almost every Aussie national park. To find the crocs down here, you need to go to the fresh water estuaries and mangrove marshes which are extremely remote and difficult to get to without a guide.

 Costa Rica sees at least one fatality involving these behemoths every year, and there were five in 2007...an entire group in a canoe who ventured farther than "recommended" (read: they were warned). All five were killed and only two bodies were recovered. The kicker? It was an attack by TWO (you read that right) crocs that did all this damage. And again, as per CR policy, the deaths were listed as "recreational accidents" on the official books.

The best place to see these guys is from a nice comfortable distance with a licensed guide. Below is a video of one such guide in the Tarcoles River area, and he's the same guy in the picture above...

And here is yet another Tico Crocodile Guide with his friend "Pocho". The guy's name is Chito, and he found this croc almost dead about 12 years ago and nursed it back to health. Ever since he has been doing shows in the Siquieres area with him and other crocs under his care. Do NOT try this at home... 

So this concludes the final "Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife" feature for a while. Maybe another animal will piss me off enough to feature it, but for now and going forward, we are going to focus more on the "good apples" of the bunch. I am an animal lover after all, and hate to think I've been scaring away potential visitors.

My Dog Ate my Blog Post

Yeah, I don't have a dog, I'm more of a cat guy anyway....

As it turns out, I thought that what I had today might not have been appropriate for alot of my readers and decided to hold off on such a touchy subject for a bit. Besides, alot of my readers are in my home country and slagging it from overseas can sometimes be seen as kinda snotty.

And I don't want to give the wrong impression. I love America, I have just found myself being way too disappointed with the people there and the way we seem to have found value in the worthless and kicked the truly substantial to the curb. The picture on the right demonstrates that sentiment perfectly. But like I said, I am going to hold off on wagging my finger at a country from my fortified compound in a tropical paradise. That just reeks of bad taste...

So today, what I'd like to do is a little Q&A! Ask me anything, and I will be happy to answer it. It can be a question about adjusting to life overseas, about the ongoing back story, or even a personal question. One of the things I have been notoriously bad at has been replying to some of your comments (probably because I comment on 300+ other blogs a day and spend hours on my favorites), and I'd like to make up for that today.

So ask away!

Tuesday Travel With Vice Magazine: North Korea

As mentioned in a previous post, North Korea sucks ass. And yes I mean the government and not the actual people. Although let's face it, your average North Korean might be a complete dick, but we'd never know because they have that whole "country" locked up tighter than a bank. And I use the term "country" loosely because in actuality, they are more like the Jim Jones cult on a bigger and more world-threatening scale. The evil dwarf that rules over them, does so almost literally like a god. A stumpy, chubby, gnome god who is such a freak over American musical theater, that he personally designed elementary school performances to look like an unholy mix of Gilbert & Sullivan and Triumph of the Will.

There really is no reliable way to get out of North Korea once the govt. wants to keep you there, but it's also pretty hard to get in as well. Shane and the Vice team somehow manage to get themselves a tourist visa into this place and film everything they can. This is literally the Twilight Zone revisited, and by the end of this incredible documentary, you will see firsthand the bleak sadness that dominates life in this oppressive country....

Part One

Part Two

Part Three



This is by far the most fascinating documentary Vice has to offer in my opinion. Even though Shane & Crew present it as humorously and as light hearted as possible, they took a HUGE risk by filming this piece. And I have yet to see a single documentary get a more indepth and accurate picture of what goes on behind the Kim Chee Curtain...  

Tips on How Not to Offend: Hand Gestures

So you and your friends are enjoying a relaxing evening at a local cafe on the Grecian coast. The food was absolutely magnificent, as was the spirits and good company of the locals. The beautiful Mediterranean evening could not possibly go south from here, everyone was respectful and no one seemed to mind the fact that you and your friends completely butchered the songs everyone was singing throughout the evening. You might just have this world travel thing licked! Not so hard right? You made some memories. You are really proud of yourself as you signal your server that you would like another round of Greek booze, preferably something that would put Zeus on his ass. She asks you if you would like to try some Ouzo, a national staple , and you distractedly give her the "ok" sign in the affirmative.

Her smile melts into a frown and she turns around quickly and stomps off muttering what could only be construed as Greek profanity. She goes up to the owner and begins shouting at him while gesturing at your table. Uh oh. Were you supposed to refuse the national drink of Greece? Was there a customary response that you missed? All you did was give the "ok" sign, and now several descendants of King Leonidas and Hercules are walking up to your table with menace in their eyes. Well unbeknownst to you, the "ok" sign in several Mediterranean cultures is considered to be something quite filthy. Like sodomy level filthy, aimed at your mom. Whoops. Sucks you can't bend time and read this post before you leave home, but feeble attempts at nonlinear narrative aside, you can now!

Although today's video goes into deeper detail, here are some quick reference tips separated by region that can go a long way in avoiding any embarrassing or potentially dangerous confrontations.

Argentina: Slapping the inside of your own thigh is considered a crude "come hither" gesture.

Mexico: Putting your hands on your hips can be seen as a sign of hostility. Yeah. Now think of every Salma Hayek movie you've ever seen. U mad, gringo?

Chile: Palm up with your fingers spread out is the same as calling someone a dumbass.

Japan: Signaling someone with a single finger is considered a harbinger of death.

China: The older generation still picks it's nose and eats it in public. Basically just look away and don't yell "Eww"

Egypt: Tapping your two index fingers together at someone is the same as saying "I wanna hit that.."

Most Arab Countries: The "thumbs up" gesture is the same as the middle finger.

Britain: The peace sign in reverse is the same as the middle finger in the US.

Lebanon: Licking your finger and running it across your eyebrow at someone, is calling them gay.

Spain and Greece: The "ok" sign in US vernacular means something horrifically vulgar (see above).

Australia: Supposedly putting your empty glass upside down on a bar means you think you can take out anybody in the bar in hand to hand combat. I'd love to hear from some of my Aussie readers on this one for confirmation. If true, don't freaking do it...those dudes can fight...

So there is a brief rundown, and as time progresses, we will explore more as well as other tips to keep you from visiting Humiliation Land or even Charon the ferryman of the underworld (pro tip: don't die in Greece). Below is a video taken from a BBC documentary that goes into really good detail about different hand gestures and what they mean to different cultures. Very interesting stuff!

What about YOUR culture? Are there any gestures that you can think of that have dual meanings across cultures? If so, put it down in the comments section and I will repost them next week on the same day! I've decided to dedicate Wednesday's feature to preventing overseas embarrassment from here on out, and with your help, it will probably be pretty damn funny as well! 

3rd World Patience...

Well it was somewhat of a stressful weekend in that I got to learn just how remote my area is technologically speaking. But the down time at least forced me away from my computer for some days, and I have to admit that I do feel pretty refreshed. My day usually consists of waking up at 6:30 AM doing my regular job until 3 PM and then working on my other projects (like this blog) until about 10 PM and then try to fit in two hours of amusement before I go to bed around midnight, then and rinse and repeat. So the great Internet outage of the Cartago province, though hatefully cursed on Saturday morning is warmly remembered now a few days later.

At first I was out of the of a loss as to what to write today, but as always I try to draw as much from my personal experiences as possible so let's talk a little bit about the importance of patience when living in a country one might classify as "Third World".

I don't know how many times I've walked through the plaza in downtown San Jose and seen the same thing happen over and over again. A tourist gets irate with a local, loses his cool, and makes the rest of us groan for the lack of proper educational funding in our home country (thanks GOP!). It might be at a little souvenir stand or a street vendor selling shaved ice or whatnot, but if you live in a vacation destination you will eventually see this very same scene. For realism purposes, any sentence that has a "*" after it, means that it's translated from (sometimes very bad) Spanish...

Don't be a Tourist...

Gringo Tourist: "Oh gee, look Martha look at the stew this adorable little man is selling, I'd better reach into my fanny pack and pull out a wad of greenbacks to entice him into giving me a discount!"

Gringa Tourista: "Good thinking Fred! I'll summon up all the Spanish that I remember from high school 40 years ago to assist in our negotiating efforts!"

Hapless Merchant: "Homemade dog food! Get your fresh homemade dog food here! Made with the finest roadkill from here to Alejuela!"*

Gringa Tourista: "he says this stew recipe has been in his family for about 100 years, and that he is the only one who likes shoes."

Gringo Tourist: "Poor guy, he probably supports his entire family on his craft. Let's swoop into his world and show him the divine benevolence of the English-speaking  universe! Tell him we will buy his whole pot!"

Typical San Jose Street Diner

Gringa Tourista: "Excuse me sir, polar bears with strawberry eyes have shoes in their moon."*

Hapless Merchant: "Huh?"*

Gringo Tourist: "Your stuff. How much do you want for all your stuff? I'll give you... two American dollars." (that he takes out of a wad of fifties and hundreds...).

Gringa Tourista: "My husband is a motorcycle"*

Hapless Merchant: "Huh?"*

Gringo Tourist: (visibly irritated): "YOUR. STUFF. HOW. MUCH. FOR. YOUR. STUFF?"

Hapless Merchant: (visibly frightened): "Dude, louder and slower doesn't change your language, I still can't understand a damn word you're saying. And I think there is something wrong with your wife (gestures at her), you might want to get her looked at."*

Gringa Tourista: GASP! "He said he will give you his entire stock for a night with me! The savage!"

Gringo Tourist: "GRINGO SMASH!!"

This is usually the part where the cops get called and our intrepid travelers are given a choice of either paying a "fine" or going to a Costa Rican jail for screwing with this poor guy's livelihood. The cop and the merchant will then split the "fine" and another American walks away with another "nightmare" vacation story...

Can you spot what went wrong?

The moral of the story is that "Type-A" personalities are screwed alot of the time when they travel to lesser advanced cultures. If you are used to getting your way all the time in your home country and lose your cool when the guy at the drive through gets your order wrong, you might want to just stay on the cruise ship when it docks. Just sayin'.... 

So I forgive you Costa Rica. No sweat on the internet outage that put me three days behind. Pura Vida! 

Tuesday Travel With Vice Magazine: Liberia

In 1902 when Joseph Conrad published his book Heart of Darkness, the literary world was introduced to a new concept of real world savagery. It was about the degeneration of the civilized to brutal primitivism of man's psyche and soul. Unfortunately, even today over 100 years later when we think of the continent of Africa we think of a brutal and unforgiving place. Even though it's full of resources, the exploitation of colonialism and thousands of years old blood feuds between ethnic interests have kept almost the entire continent in a perpetual state of conflict and almost unimaginable poverty.

This week I like to share with you a documentary on just one of the smaller countries on this continent called Liberia. The Vice crew travel there with cameras and document everything they experience as it happens. this is one of the most brilliant pieces of journalism I have ever seen, and how everybody walked away without at least a Pulitzer and with their lives really confuses me. There will be parts of this documentary that may be very disturbing to some readers/viewers of this blog, but I feel that it is absolutely necessary for every human being to watch the entire hour of this documentary to be grateful for what they have in life...

I hope you at least learned that maybe your day isn't so bad.... 

Saturday Music Club: The Prayer Cycle

Happy Saturday, and forgive this late post as I am still somewhat "enjoying" my Friday night. Today's look into the world of my music will be taking a cue from yesterday's story installment. I am by no means a religious man, in fact I believe that organized religion is responsible for about a third of the world's problems. The remaining two thirds being money, greed, and nationalistic and ethnic stupidity. But I am a very spiritual person, a Deist if you wanted to sit down and define me, with a sprinkle of Pantheism and maybe a dash of injun Paganism.

But I also believe that at the root of all organized religions was an original thought or intent that was so beautiful, but at the same time so easily corrupted by people who sought power. And I always be sure to pay proper respect to every religion for their original intent and not the people who lead it. And that brings me to this week's feature artist, Jonathan Elias and his incredibly beautiful and transcendent project called The Prayer Cycle.

This is a nine part choral arrangement featuring artists and vocalists from all over the world, each representing one of the major religions of the world. In these nine tracks you will hear the voices of Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and more all singing together in unison for one of the most gorgeous musical experiences your years will ever absorb. It came out in the year 2000 to commemorate the new millennium and the possible promise of a new age of humanity. Well, as it turns out we are getting better but we're still pretty dumb... But on the upshot, kickback and listen to the samples I've posted below of this incredibly beautiful musical composition and the message of hope behind it...

 

Each of the nine compositions represent one of nine tenants that each major religion shares. As the previous one was "Mercy" (yes, that was Alanis Morrisette), let's take a listen to "Forgiveness" and my absolute favorite on the album, "Compassion".

 

See you next Saturday for music you may not have ever heard before, but really appeals to this weird guy hanging out in the middle of the jungle... I leave you this quote from Jalaluddin Rumi to ponder...

 I tried to find Him on the Christian cross, but He
was not there; I went to the Temple of the
Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not
find a trace of Him anywhere.

I searched on the mountains and in the valleys
but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I
able to find Him. I went to the Ka'bah in Mecca,
but He was not there either.

I questioned the scholars and philosophers but
He was beyond their understanding.

I then looked into my heart and it was there
where He dwelled that I saw Him; He was
nowhere else to be found.

 

Enjoy your weekend everyone (Lord knows I am!)

New Feature! Tuesday Travel with Vice Magazine!!

I am very eager and proud to announce a brand-new partnership between this blog and the good folks over at VBS.TV. from now on every Tuesday, I will be posting full-length documentaries from these guys as well as the back stories of the journalists and locations involved. The theme of this blog is and always will be about broadening your horizons, even if it's just mentally as opposed to geographically. And I can think of no better partner for this than the incredible and intrepid staff of VBS and Vice Magazine.

Your support of this blog has made this possible, and my thanks are extended to each and every one of you! Here is a sneak peek at what we have in store for you every Tuesday going forward!

There are regular people, just like you and I who are committed to getting out and digging up the most interesting stories of the world we don't / can't see on the Discovery Channel. These are stories that would normally go untold, like the plight of the Colombian homeless or what it's like to just be a regular citizen of North Korea. All stories are filmed and reported in Gonzo style, that is to say that the crews are not just reporting the issue, they are living it.

A special thanks to Shane Smith of Vice Magazine for his allowing me to bring you these stories in uncensored and uncut format. I am sure this will quickly become one of your favorite features of this blog, and we look forward to many years of working together!

Note: Most if not all of these documentaries will be unsafe for work and inappropriate for children. Please keep this in mind as you watch!

For Japan

It was my first thought to do my weekly feature "International Eats" today and showcase another American culinary standard and how it is interpreted in different parts of the world. We're going to skip that for today...

Minami Soma, Fukushima prefecture 3/12/2011

I just can't do it. I wasn't like this for neither the Haiti or Chilean quake, and I feel a measure of guilt for that. Even though the devastation was so much worse, and the human toll so much more staggering, I didn't feel then as I do now. Why? I've certainly had issues with the Japanese govt. and it's arrogant disrespect for the world's ecosystem. Issues to the point of activism in fact. As a member of the Rainforest Action Network in college, I once handcuffed myself to the front door of a Mitsubishi dealership in Orlando, Florida as part of a mass protest of their clear cutting of the Malaysian Rainforest. I have been an active and supporting member of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society since 2007, and I see Japanese "research" whaling as genocide. No gray area there for me, genocide. The great whales are not "animals", they are "beings" just as self aware as you and I.

And yet, my heart is broken for people of Japan. And as they still race to assess the damage and prevent the worst case scenarios from happening at their nuclear sites, I feel as though I am helplessly watching a close friend fight for their life. It's like I got a late night phone call about a good friend involved in a hit and run, and I am too far away to get to the hospital. Why? What makes Japan so different in my heart than Haiti or Chile? Both of those places are in my own hemisphere, and my country has never been at war with either of them. Neither country are anywhere as rich as Japan, so the humanitarian crisis was even worse. How was I able to go about my day those two times and not now?

Original Japanese woodblock print of Admiral Perry (center) and his officers

It starts with my country's relationship with Japan that began with the visit from Commodore Perry in 1852. They were an isolated nation who lived in a virtual time capsule of medieval feudalism and only had limited trade with the Dutch at the time. Historians from both nations continue to argue the veracity of Perry's "friendly" motives in opening trade. But irregardless of motives, Japan then quickly became an industrial powerhouse through the raw determination and cleverness of it's people. They were catapulted from the Iron Age to the Gunpowder Age and then to the Industrial Age in the span of just a few decades. And with this swift progression came a lesson that humanity cannot afford to miss....

When a culture's technology advances faster than it's social progression, liberty tends to take a back seat to nationalism. Nationalism can best be described as patriotism's blind and drunk asshole cousin. When that sense of nationalism festers into a sense of entitlement or "manifest destiny", wars begin and humanity gets to see just how deep in the stupid we can sink. This was the case for Japan. They had been a warrior caste society for almost two thousand years, and had never lost a single war in their history as a nation. Now the sword and bow were replaced with repeating rifles and battleships, and the spirit of the Shoganate was still quite alive and well. The Russo-Japanese conflict, the invasion of Manchuria, and their subsequent attack on the United States are remembered as some of the most horrific events in modern history.

Could these events have been prevented if Japan was not forcibly yanked out of their isolationism? Who can tell? Second guessing what could have happened is pretty useless. But something happened to Japan that made them finally stop and pause. They lost their first war. And for the first time it it's history, the conflagration of war that they had so liberally inflicted upon their neighbors was visited upon them, on their own soil. That's when the natural brilliance of the Japanese people finally kicked in. And from 1945 on up to this very day, Japan has become a model for peaceful nations everywhere.

The Japanese commitment to the weird is one of their most endearing traits.

And this is the Japan my generation (Generation X) knows and loves. The clever and industrious society that never ceases to amaze the rest of the world with it's uniqueness. They have been one of the meccas for nerd culture since Godzilla let out his first roar as a symbol of the horrors of atomic devastation. They are the ultra modern, deeply pacifist, and yet still traditional people who deserve their front seat on the world stage. All of their ecological indiscretions aside, I love the Japanese people with all of my heart and I now weep for their beautiful cities and cry for the thousands of stories that have ended in the blink of an eye...

I end this post with a challenge to you, the reader. Get involved. Even if it's not financial, go to the various streaming news sites like wwiTV.com and just give them your eyes and moral support. The result we want with this is going to be a long term thing. It means that with every disaster and event that comes in the future, each of us will feel it as whole just a little bit more. And in the end, it will be our empathy that saves us as a race and a species....

Today, We Are ALL Japanese 

Culture Shock: An Animated Example

When I first started this blog, the purpose was to help people were living abroad as either expats or exchange students deal with the effects of culture shock. But now four years later, I see so much more potential in the realm of actual cultural exchange. The world is even more connected than it was just four years ago in so many more intricate ways. So I decided to augment the theme to my writings and posts to include how important it is to step out of your own comfort zone and your own cultural "bubble". It is one of the most fulfilling experiences you could ever hope to have, because it validates you as not just an American or a Brit or an Australian, but as an individual representative of the human race at large.

But still, it's important to keep with the original theme at least once in a while. So I decided to dig up this little gem for your amusement. It was the winner of Atom Films' 2008 awards for the category of "Best Secondary Animation". It's pretty funny in a Ren & Stimpy kind of way, and it really illustrates how one can feel the first time they step out of their "box"

I would love to hear from some of you who have traveled abroad for extended periods of time or maybe are even currently living in a foreign country now. What made you decide to get out of your comfort zone and completely change your environment? And how did it feel when you finally settled in and came to the realization that you could do this? 

Pro Tips for the Newly Isolated 101

Being far away from home for an extended period of time can lead to a sense of isolation that only makes someone already experiencing culture shock feel only worse. Whether you are an expat, an exchange student, or simply by way of fate stuck in a foreign country, this applies. I can personally attest to this, as into my second month here alone in my apartment with pretty much only Spanish television, I was miserable. But I WILL say that watching the Dukes of Hazard dubbed in Spanish is one of the most surreal experiences you could ever partake in....

Okay, so maybe the mustache is an embellishment...

"Aye CARAMBA yo odio los chicos Dukes!!"

El Alguacil Roscoe P. Clotrane-o 

 Well, once again, the Internet is your friend in this situation. Go ahead and turn off the TV and open up your web browser when you start feeling isolated, there are nice comfy digital windows with which you can connect to home. It doesn't take that much tech savvy to be able to use your computer as a crystal ball to peer back home, or elsewhere even!

One of my favorite places is RadioTime.com, it's a free online service that lets you listen to streaming radio stations from anywhere on the planet, including your home town! Think of how nice and chill it would be to do your work or studying at night while listening to the same radio station you always have. You can get news and traffic reports, or listen to whatever zany morning show kept you company on your work commute in the States or elsewhere. I like this station far more than any other similar subscription site, and it's light on ads and very user friendly. I still listen to "The Prarie Home Companion" and "Coast to Coast AM" whenever I get the chance via this site.

If just audio isn't comforting enough, and you prefer video, wwiTV.com is an excellent resource with which to find live streaming television feeds. This is also a free service, and although the site itself is a bit ad-heavy, it moves quickly enough and is pretty iser friendly. The scrolling menu on the left will eventually take you down to the US stations which are catagorized by location. Clicking into that sub menu, takes you to the channel list itself and tells you the signal strength and whether or not the feed is live or pre recorded. The beauty of this site is that it has feeds from all around the world, so even if you are not feeling isolated and just wanted to do some exploring, there's alot of curiosity to be satisfied here. For the record, Japanese game shows ARE as twisted as they say...

If this still isn't enough for you, and you want to take a genuine real-time look back towards home, then one of the many remote camera sites. Out of all of them (and believe me, I've looked at ALL of them), EarthCam.com is by far the best. If your home town had even a single traffic cam, then odds are that it is archived here. Some of them even allow for remote control, allowing you to pan and zoom for picking out details or people. Others are in incredible high definition, so you can maximize the image and feel as though you are really there. And, as are the best things online, it is absolutely free. The ad content on this site is at a nice dull roar, but your browser will require the most recent update of Flash of which there are links.

So that should keep you going until either you get acclimated to your new surroundings or you find your happy thought. I suggest trying dating, but your particular situation may or may not allow for that. But if the distance from home seems too far away for comfort, just know you have these resources to always fall back on that cost you no more than your monthly internet bill.

Overseas Eats: The Hot Dog

Americans love their food, and I would dare say that my culture is probably the most finicky when it comes to trying food from other cultures. so going forward, I decided to dedicate Sundays to those overseas ex-pats who are missing their delicious preservative laden food from home. I will be showcasing how our favorite foods are presented and represented in other cultures, or their regional take on it. You may not be able to get a decent waffle in Thailand, but hopefully my research will steer you to the closest equivalent and possibly introduce you to a new culinary experience that you can take with you after the fact.

So why not start this feature with the one tubular dish that seems to contradict our hesitancy towards trying new foods in the first place. We see things like Chinese century eggs, Australian Vegemite, or British eels as something disgusting. But the signature American dish of the hotdog is truly made up of the most disgusting things you could think of putting into a grinder and passing it off as "food". Even though it is a direct ripoff of the German frankfurter, we Americans have pretty much taken this to be our own. But what does it look like another cultures?

Japan
as with many other aspects of their culture, the Japanese have taken the concept of the hotdog and given it its own unique life. Many in Japan see the hotdog as an exotic delicacy the same way we see sushi. And accordingly, Japanese chefs are given license to be as artistic and creative as possible with both presenting and seasoning this dish. Also,thanks to Takeru Kobayashi, the simple act of eating a hotdog is seen as an athletic event to many in Japan... Let's take a look at some of the variation that can be seen in just one Japanese fast food chain... 

Image courtesy of http://www.japadog.com

 Japadog became so successful in its native Japan, that there are franchises opening up in the United States and elsewhere. I myself have never tried them, but judging from the menu I would assume that it's a pretty unique experience!

Thailand

I chose Thailand next, because according to my research this country tends to be one of the hardest in the world for Americans to assimilate into, food wise. Mostly because we don't like insects. As beautiful and unique a culture as Thailand is, an American walking through their equivalent of a food court in any Bangkok street market won't be the most appetizing of experiences. It's been said that your average Thai will pretty much eat anything that isn't obviously poisonous. So stalls selling scorpions, grasshoppers, ginormous unidentifiable mantises, and even fish eyes on a stick are more common than a hotdog stand.

But finicky Westerners can take heart, because the hotdog does exist in Thai culture. None of the research I have done has told me exactly what meat goes into said hotdog, but it's in the shape of a tube and can be drowned in the toppings of your choice as to make it palatable (I like mine light on the fish eyes). Below is a picture of the hot dogs available from vendors on the streets of Bangkok and even Phuket...

Image Courtesy of Wikipedia

  

Brazil 

Brazil is one of the most common places in the world where you will see Europeans and Americans trying to make a home. There is extremely vibrant expat community here,and the native Brazilians have taken their cuisine and added their signature flamboyant mannerisms to things like the humble hot dog. The street vendors in Rio are known for their over-the-top use of condiments and it's not uncommon to see peas, sweetcorn, mashed potatoes, and french fries share the condiment corridor with huge gobs of mustard, mayo, and katsup.

Brazillian Street Dog From Jason Perlow's Food Blog, Off the Broiler

 Costa Rica

 I will always end this feature with what I have found in my own host country of Costa Rica. Here the Ticos follow pretty much the same cues from Brazil in that they like to go over the top with the toppings and the condiments. But one big difference between Costa Rican hot dogs and others in the world is that oftentimes the hot dog itself is not cooked. It's placed raw in the bun, and served as a cold sandwich. The going ratio is you have about a 50% chance to order a hot dog in Costa Rica and get a cold surprise....best to ask ahead. I can't say that I really like this variation too much but I have tried it a couple times when hungry and in a pinch, and it really wasn't so bad. One of the main Tico aspects of their signature hotdog is the use of repollo, which is essentially coleslaw without dressing (cold shredded cabbage).

I hope you enjoyed this first installment, see you next Sunday for more international twists on American food that will make you shudder or drool! 

Saturday Music Club: 100th Follower Phish Phry

This is the third in a weekly installment of some of the music that I can't get enough of. I have been here since 2006, and I don't have American MTV or radio to go by anymore as far as new musical trends. I have yet to hear a single Lady Gaga, Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, or other modern day pop song. This is mostly intentional however because I've been able to let my personal musical preferences evolve with taste instead of trend. So every Saturday, I will be sharing with you some of the incredible music I've found myself drifting to without society and pop culture directing the current. I hope you like it!

100 Followers? Really? I didn't expect this to take off again so well when I started it back up! Thank you to all of my readers and supporters, you guys really make this effort incredibly worthwhile. So this week, I want to introduce to you (to those who don't already them) to my absolute favorite band of all time....

Phish

Hailing from Burlington, Vermont, this four man Jam Band "final boss" has been selling out almost every single live performance they've had since 1990. Their musical style has never been pinned down as it crosses genres so much, even within a single song. They are funk, blues, jazz, and bluegrass all at once. And with every single member of the band in possession of a doctorate in music from the University of Vermont, their live improvisational shows are some of the most intricate pieces of music you will ever hear. Their goofy onstage antics (like all simultaneously falling down in the middle of a song and pretending they are dead to playing a set while bouncing on trampolines) have also done alot to garner affection from their audiences. 

Having a Ben & Jerry's named after you should be enough to attest to your epicness....

In honor of reaching 100 followers, I dedicate this song to all of my fellow bloggers who have shown so much support over the course of me rebooting this labor of love. This is from their latest studio album, and the song is called simply: Joy

Next is from a live performance that I was at in 1996 called the "Clifford Ball" which was a two day outdoor event complete with carnival midway and camping. Because MTV was purposefully denied admission and permission to cover the event, the fact that it was the biggest live concert in 1996 went completely unnoticed. This song is called "Sample in a Jar" and it's about a man who gets abducted by aliens.....and falls in love....

 Phish took a hiatus from 2000 to 2002, and in 2004 it was announced that they would play together no more. No real reason was ever given for this, but it was stressed that there was absolutely no ill will between bandmates. Five years later, after several solo projects, they realized that the best music they had ever done was together. Here is an excerpt from their sold out in minutes reunion concert. It's is the final part of "Slave to the Traffic Light" which carried no real meaning other than to give a name to an incredibly beautiful and intricate jam...

I want to give thanks again to all my supporters and I hope you like this week's musical selection. The best way to hear Phish is incredibly loud and under the influence, but if neither can be achieved, it's still some of the best music you could ever hear. 

Bastard Costa Rican Wildlife: The Bullet Ant

When I first began this blog, one of the features that I wanted to include in addition to the overall theme of international relations and adjustment to new cultures, were the things that I got the chance to encounter here locally where I live in Costa Rica. So I created the feature "Bastard Wildlife of Costa Rica", and my first entry was that of the howler monkeys. They are bastards. Not only do I have to chase them for my back porch nowadays, but when you have a group of them up in the trees you can expect a literal shit storm....

Well it turns out that there are things far, far worse here fauna wise... and don't get me wrong, I am the tree hugger at heart and I love all animals for their majesty in their place in the great web of life. So I'm going to go ahead and reboot this feature with an animal that I consider to be the absolute worst here in this little country as well as all over Central and South America.

The bullet ant...

This is Paraponera clavata, the locals call him "Hormiga Veinticuatro" which means "24 Hour Ant". I and many other foreign expats prefer to refer to it as "HOLY FUUUUCK WHAT JUST BIT ME?!! AAAAAAAHHHH!! MAKE THE PAIN STOP PLEEEEAAASSE!!!!!" Which is a bit more of a mouth full, but 100% accurate nonetheless. I had the misfortune of being bitten by one of these little assholes when I first moved in to my new house out in the countryside. I literally thought the thing a vomited a tiny blow torch wielding micro-fairy into my bloodstream. 

Entomologists and other scientists rate the bite pain of a bullet at on the pain scale as being just slightly above stepping on a stone fish. Couple that with the fact that the venom stays in the victim's system for up to three days without any decrease in pain. In other words, in some cases, the bite feels exactly the way it did when you were first bitten up to three days later. It's crippling.... I'm not ashamed to say it, I did break down and cry on the second day. 

And liquor does nothing...

For some reason, primitive tribes both here and in the Amazon like to use these guys as some sort of twisted manhood trial. Most notably, the Brazillian tribes like to fill woven reed gloves with the fuckers and place one on each hand and make the victim...errr...prospective man do a ten minute dance. Below is a video of Steve Backshall of the Discovery's "The Venom Hunter" trying this ritual. If you've ever seen this show, you know that this guy is no wuss by any stretch, a bit on the stupid side maybe....but not a wuss. And well...I'll just let the video speak for itself...

Moral of the Story: If you are in the tropics and you see an inch long ant that is barking at you (did I mention that they bark?), leave it the eff alone or you will experience a pain so blinding, it consumes your whole next three days!